DAY 13: Control & Condescension
Tuesday, February 7, 2023
WFIW of the Day: Yesterday, I was feeling a bit under the weather, so instead of going to coaching practice, I went back to bed and slept until noon. Then, I played video games for four hours and that felt really luscious. Still trying to repeat to myself that RESTING is as vital as DOING… but I still don’t quite believe it yet.
If you’ve ever been called condescending… you might resonate with this.
Because I have been called that many times throughout my life. And I’d love to say that it’s a problem I’ve wrestled down and risen above, but my husband wouldn’t agree because he called me out on it just last Saturday.
He said it in a gentle way: “Do you sometimes feel like your opinion is more important or valid than mine?”
Yes, yes I do. I feel a sense of patronizing superiority.
Textbook condescension.
Here’s what happened.
Our precious teenage daughter is going through some hard life stuff right now. And she asked me and my husband for our opinions and advice on some of the things that bring up the most fear for her: safety, money, is she going to be ok in the future… you know, easy stuff like that.
So, we sat in a boba shop giving her our wise perspectives. And then, I felt it…
That flick of annoyance whenever my husband started to talk.
The roiling clouds building up in my brain as he went on and on about something not useful, completely missing the point, adding more confusion to our already-perplexed teenager… AT LEAST ACCORDING TO ME.
Just one example: our 14-yr-old daughter said she felt worried about money and if she’d ever be able to make enough to feel secure.
I wanted to tell her there were simple ways to track her money, so she would never run out. I wanted to give her a gentle introduction to the ideas of scarcity and abundance…
And then my husband started talking about credit cards with high interest rates and how people get so loaded down with debt that they can barely pay off the minimum each month, let alone the principle balance.
…… I mean, credit cards? interest rates? PRINCIPLES AND BALANCES?
“Our daughter shouldn’t have to add revolving lines of credit to her already huge pile of worries!” I thought with annoyance.
At moments like this, it feels like I’m driving down a road I know is going to take us to the best place, and someone else keeps wrenching the steering wheel out of my hands to take us down stupid, pointless detours. So then I feel like I need to grab the wheel again, and jerk us back onto the best road.
And, sure, sometimes you need clear, direct navigation with no distractions, to get you to the places you need to go in life.
But sometimes, you wanna be on a wandering vacation where you have no plans… just a general direction and an open-ness to whatever unfolds. A lot of magic happens that way… but only if you’re patient with the unknowing.
Guess what kind of parenting feels the best? The kind where there’s always a RIGHT WAY and it’s up to you to find it, come hell or highwater? Or the kind that feels like a lovingly playful vacation, where you take detours and make discoveries and follow where your children lead and get to un-imaginably gorgeous places?
I would LOVE to embody that second kind of parenting (hell I’d love to live my life that way).
But if you’re anything like me, reality gets in the way.
It doesn’t feel great when I have the impulse to take over. It feels high and hyper, like a hive of bees has exploded in my brain. I watch myself snapping, giving orders, asking belligerent questions, jumping in even when I don’t want to. And me storming around like I have angry bees inside me just turns up the volume on whatever is happening, and that drowns out whatever slow magic might have been about to unfold.
>>>>But here’s the thing: I have what sound like legitimate justifications for jumping in. I often -AM- the smartest person in the room… depending on how you define “smart.”
I’m a straight-A student, got a perfect score on the SATs, went to Harvard for chrissakes. I pick up new skills really quickly. As I’ve heard one researcher put it, “my brain moves quickly and agilely through problem-space.”
I’ve also put a TON of work into my emotional and spiritual sides. I’ve worked with life coaches, been on vulnerable AF art therapy retreats, meditated with Buddhist monks, done so much self-inquiry I’m a little sick of myself…
So there are GOOD and VALID reasons for me to condescend. Or so my brain says.
But here’s the real “WHY” underneath that behavior.
I think there’s a furry little muppet monster inside me who learned that the more loudly and insistently I showed off my smarts, the more praise I received. As the oldest child in my entire extended family, all I had to do speak with brash and unwavering confidence and I would win almost any argument over my little cousins.
During Coach Training this past weekend, I got in touch with that little muppet terror inside me and saw it running around with its arms stretched out, frantically inserting itself into every conversation to show that it was right.
You know what it needed in order to calm down?
>>>Caresses. Gentle pets. A soothing hand giving it love and attention and saying,
“I see you. You don’t have to be the smartest or the loudest. You can just curl up here in my arms, nice and comfy, and listen.”
So here’s what I’m going to try from now on.
Whenever I feel the urge to reach out and condescend and control a situation, I’ll acknowledge the muppet monster. Out loud.
“Oh shit, there goes my control monster again. Sorry, she’s over-reacting. I’ll try and calm her down. Please proceed.”
And then I’ll do my best to slide over into the passenger seat and watch with curiosity as we turn down a new road… maybe stupid, maybe marvelous, but always leading to interesting new places.
With hope for change,
Shinah