9 - LETTING GO AS A PARENT
I got the most amazing text from my stepdaughter today:
Let me back up a little.
I met Sophia when she was a tiny, spunky 6 year old. She just thought she was meeting a new friend and excitedly started showing me her chopstick wrapper origami skills. But the more I fell in love with her father, the more she scared the shit out of me.
I had always been ambivalent about having children of my own. Until the age of 30, I just kind of assumed I’d have them eventually because, you know, that’s what women do when they want to have a serious life.
But I always secretly worried that I’d be a horrible mother. That I’d let all my constant anxieties spill over onto a tender, innocent being and turn her into an over-thinking, over-performing, over-perfectionist human forevermore.
Also, I always loved holding babies... for two hours and then I loved giving them back to their mothers. The sheer RESPONSIBILITY of raising a child always seemed so heavy to me. Having to show up for them, day after day, even when you REALLY don’t feel like it… for two decades or more. The consequences of screwing it up. The power that this tiny person has over you…
That’s some scary-ass shit.
And I think that’s why I turned out to be a better stepmom than I ever would have been as a biological mom.
The best, most freeing and comforting advice I’ve ever heard from a fellow step-parent was when Gabrielle Union said,
“Look, your only job as a stepmom is to be a loving, consistent, supportive presence for your step kids.”
Um, excuse me, Gabrielle Union? It’s not my job as a stepmom to mold her into the best possible version of herself? To strike the perfect balance of compassion and discipline? To make them like you the best and call you “mom”?
Nope.
I became confident as a stepmom when I embraced the following:
There’s so much about this 8-year-old that is out of my control - her DNA, the values instilled in her before I even met her, her attachment to her dad and biological mom, the continuing influence her bio mom will have in her life
It’s not my job to micro-manage her life. If her dad and I ever split up, there would be no question under the law that her dad and bio mom would get custody of her (Now, many many years later, I know that I will always be in her life, no matter what happens between her dad and I. But I didn’t know it back then.)
My ego doesn’t NEED her to be anything other than the best, truest version of herself. I’m not attached in the way I think I would be if she had grown from my genes and uterus and traumas and self-desires.
I don’t actually call myself a “bonus” mom, but I really really like the idea there. It means that I just get to be here for her without needing much back. I don’t look to her to validate my life choices or worthiness as a parent.
I sit and listen to her quietly, and tell her “that sounds hard” and validate how she’s feeling. I ask gentle questions and don’t start giving advice unless she specifically asks for it. I try my hardest not to lecture. I ask if I can give her a hug when she’s looking upset, and even when she grumbles “yes”, she always looks a little lighter afterward.
I try not to criticize her too much. I try to ask “Can you tell me what happened?” before I make assumptions about her behavior. I apologize to her when I fuck up.
And she really really loves me for it.
She really needs me. She really admires me. She’s really interested in me.
I KNOW, deep inside, that I’m a real blessing in her life.
That I make her world better. That’s something I’m so proud of.
Last month, Sophia turned 16. She’s taller than me now, she’s taking Driver’s Ed, she spends hours on the phone with her first real boyfriend.
She loves Korean food. She wants to show me every new makeup technique she learns on YouTube. She says that the sound of my house slippers as I scurry around the house is “comforting.”
And yes, she’s also absorbed some of my anxious overthinking and money worries and stubbornness when it comes to debating…
And I think that this is exactly the “mom” path I was meant to take. One where I could let go just enough to really shine.
- Shinah
P.S. - I also understand that I've had an incredibly lucky experience as a step-parent. Where bio mom has never maligned me, and my husband is incredibly supportive of and grateful for all my mom efforts. I know there are a lot of tough step-parent situations out there, and that sounds incredibly hard. For everyone out there just trying your best, I wish I could send a good, long hug your way.