DAY 10: My oldest, hardest thing
Monday, January 30, 2023
WFIW of the Day: ….None yet. Slept HORRIBLY and I have three practice sessions scheduled, so my coffee mug is dragging me along behind it today.
18 months ago, I discovered line dancing.
Country line dancing…
Against all my expectations and biases, I LOVE it. I can dance, express myself, move my body. When I’m really IN a line dance and adding my own flair, I feel downright sparkly. And so many people tell me I’m an amazing dancer, which feels damn good.
So, last Saturday, I went to the Cowboy Country Saloon looking forward to feeling sexy and un-self conscious and free..
…. and then I walked in the doors and saw something I was not expecting.
Instead of the usual mix of 35-65 year olds in jeans and t-shirts, there were dozens of fit, 25-year-old women in shorty shorts, all radiant and amazing dancers.
Turns out, it there was a big line dance competition happening, and the winners would be part of a dance troop performing at the hip Stagecoach Music Festival.
After a few minutes standing by the dance floor watching all these slim, small, muscular bodies, so idealized in our society, I noticed these words form in my brain and travel down to my stupid mouth:
“How do they even judge this competition? I think you only win if you’re wearing short-ass shorts…”
… I know. Judgy, slut-shamey, just all around BLERGH.
As soon as I heard that judgy jealousness leave my face, I felt shame cringe through my body. I think the guy next to me heard me and shot me a “not cool” kinda look - before going to greet his dance partner in shorty-ass short shorts.
**Crinnnnge**
But you know what happened next? Immediately after the cringe, I got curious.
Dang. I was clearly feeling tender and insecure.
>>>Because comparing myself to all these beautiful bodies was hitting my oldest, trickiest source of unworthiness.
My body and face. How I always feel like they are bigger than they should be. I see it in my broad shoulders and muscular back, in the softness around my jawline, how my lower stomach sticks out in tight dresses.
I’m Korean-American and barely five feet tall. My mother and sister are both under 100 pounds. They look delicate and petite, with small faces and narrow shoulders.
I’m 130 pounds…. literally 30% bigger. My shoulders don’t fit comfortably in non-stretchy jackets. My face is round and fleshy, my thighs are strong and substantial.
And I’m afraid there will always be a part of me that thinks I should be different. I mean, how many thick geishas or kung-fu fighters or Asian sassy sidekicks do you see in the movies?
My thinking brain knows all the logical arguments:
that many people have called me attractive throughout the years
I’ve never had a problem finding men to date
my husband thinks I’m beautifully sexy
there is SO MUCH MORE to beauty than making your body as small as it can be
confidence and self-acceptance are the sexiest things you can cultivate
wanting to be slender is just playing along with the patriarchal, white-supremacist system we’re all swimming in
and on and on…
If I could think myself out of this shame, I would have done it a long-ass time ago
But I can’t. Not completely. Those logical thoughts above DO help and I am so much more accepting of myself at 42 than I have ever been in my life.
Not when I was 12 and sneaking cookies out of the cupboard ‘cause I knew my mom would warn me about gaining weight if she caught me.
Not when I was 17, throwing away my lunch sandwiches and exercising two hours a day to fit into my prom dress.
Not when I was 31 and running ten miles on Friday nights to burn off the 6 donuts I had eaten to get me through work that day.
I thought I had come so far.
And then I saw those young, slender women in short shorts and automatically thought:
“Damn, I wish I looked like that.”
I don’t know if that will ever fully go away.
But I’m feeling hopeful. Because, I’m learning tools in my life coaching certification that I think will really help me. Tools that use neuroscience and draw from my own strongest emotional resources in order to change HOW I FEEL when I look at myself.
I’ve been practicing with some of my fellow coach students and I can already feel something changing inside me.
Here’s a photo that was taking me into a shame spiral. As soon as I saw it: “OMG my face looks so fat, do I really look like that all the time, holy shit, I am way uglier than I thought I was…”
After a fellow coach-in-training did 10 minutes of work with me in a practice session, I look at that photo and smile and think, “Ok not my best angle, but look how happy I am and there’s my husband and here we all are… HUMANS, who can’t ever see the infinite wholeness and expressiveness and life energy we radiate… we can only see these millisecond snapshots and glimpses in the mirror and THAT IS NOT THE FULL TRUTH OF WHO WE ARE.”
This stuff I’m learning is pretty fucking magical.
I can’t wait to share it with y’all.
With Hope,
Shinah