DAY 11: Life Lesson - The Stories We Tell
Thursday, February 2, 2023
WFIW of the Day: Putting down my cup of coffee and rushing into my office to write this blog, because I got a hit of inspiration (don’t you love that?).
I had a profound thought this morning as I watched my dog, Hershey, play with utter joy and abandon…
Hershey is 12 years old. As a smaller dachsund-chihuahu mix, he might still have years and years to live…
But his face is getting whiter all the time and he has more and more trouble keeping his feet on our laminate floors.
In fact, this morning, he slipped trying to hop up a stair and fell hard onto his side… it must have hurt and maybe he even has a wee doggie bruise…
…but seconds later, he was fully immersed in his playing, as if nothing had happened.
As if the weight of aging, gradually losing the function of his body, eventually slowing down completely and dying… wasn’t even on his mind.
Because it wasn’t. Because dogs (mine at least), don’t tell themselves elaborate stories about what each happening MEANS.
Which means Hershey isn’t burdened by those stories on a day to day basis.
So… that’s what we should all do, right? Quit making up elaborate stories in our heads and just let that shit go. Stop living in the past. Be in the now…. ommmmm
Or, as Ted Lasso says:
“You know what the happiest animal on earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish.”
Except that that’s all kind of bullshit.
I remember first learning about the concept that “we are the stories we tell ourselves”
And most importantly, that the oldest stories we have about ourselves AREN’T EVEN TRUE.
Not necessarily… they’re narratives we constructed and held onto because they helped us make sense of our world.
I held onto most of these stories for over three decades. That I was:
“intelligent” but not “creative”;
a good “book learner” but not “street smart” enough to be an entrepreneur;
“cute” but never “sexy.”
All helpful constructs to streamline my complex human existence and help me “understand” myself better so that didn’t have to break my brain on every little decision I was faced with.
And every single one of them untrue.
But that doesn’t mean I should abandon all those stories and just “be in the now.”
That advice never quite sat right with me… because here’s the thing:
Hershey shakes off his bruises and the stiffness in his hind legs, and joyfully goes about his day…
… and never thinks about the possibility of arthritis medication or non-slip rugs or ramps instead of stairs.
Because he can’t story-tell himself into those solutions. Hershey can’t come up with this story:
“Once upon a time, there was a dog who slipped on the stair. He had slipped yesterday morning, too, on this very stair. In fact, he had been slipping way more often lately… ever since he hurt his back last year. He remembered that he had rested in his crate for a long long time… and that had helped heal his injury. So, he decided to do that again and stop jumping up and down so much, because that probably hurt his back even more. Then, he asked all the other dogs around the neighborhood if any of them had this same problem and they all shared helpful ideas. And he implemented those ideas and felt much better and lived happily ever after.”
Hershey can only come up with: “Once upon a time, there was a dog who slipped on the stair…. TOY!!!”
Look, I’d love to be more at peace. I’d love to be more present in each moment.
But I also don’t want to give up my fantastic, storytelling, problem-solving imagination.
And I’ve worked with so many clients who feel the same. They don’t want to let go of those parts completely… the parts that fret and monitor intensely and find solutions to every possible hiccup…
So maybe the solution isn’t to BE A GOLDFISH…
(In fact, there are decades of research that show goldfish actually have terrific long-term memories that help them learn where and when to find food, how to escape nets and generally… well, survive.]
The approach that works for me right now is to:
Learn to recognize the part of you that comes up with these stories (because if you’re able to OBSERVE that part… then it’s by definition NOT you… right?)
Love and acknowledge that brilliant part of you that has served you so well in so many aspects of your life.
Understand that the stories you tell yourself aren’t the FINAL VERSIONS. They can be tweaked, new plot points written in, character arcs entirely redirected. Accept the versions that serve you, and keep the editor open on the versions that create constant problems in your life.
The trickiest part. Accept that your purpose here on earth is not to get to some uniform, perfectly smooth enlightened state.
We’re here on earth for the texture of it all… the ridges and traps and discoveries and complexities.
And that ain’t some easy, smooth shit. But it does make for an epic story.
With Love and Curiosity,
Shinah