1 - PERFECTIONIST POSTER CHILD (My Story)
Perfectionism didn’t save me
Why do I feel the need to spread this anti-perfectionist message?
Because for the first 35 years of my life, I did everything right that could possibly be done right… and it still didn’t lead me to safety and fulfillment and peace.
If it didn’t work for me, the Perfectionist Poster Child, then maybe it just…. doesn’t work at all?
The things I did perfectly
Here’s a (not even remotely exhaustive) list of things that I did “perfectly” in life:
ACADEMICS:
Got straight As from 5th - 12th grade (It would’ve been from 1st grade, but there was an unfortunate “B+ in Penmanship” incident that will have to be the subject of another post)
Got a perfect 1600 on the SAT and PSAT
Took 11 AP classes in high school and won every academic award imaginable
Went to Harvard University, the #1 college in the U.S. at the time
Got into a top 5 law school despite low-key sabotaging my own application ‘cause I didn’t really want to go
CORPORATE CAREER:
Was courted by all the top corporate law firms in the country, and eventually chose one of the best in Manhattan to work at
Quickly got on the partner-track and was selected for all the important “committees” where I got to shmooze with the top brass
Easily passed the top two hardest bar exams in the country (CA and NY)
CONVENTIONAL ATTRACTIVENESS:
Grew up a polite, considerate and well-mannered little Korean-American girl that made my parents proud
I’ve always stayed petite - short and slender enough to fit our society’s beauty standard pretty well
I kept my “body count” low (I think that’s what the kids are saying these days). Basically, I was careful and prudent about sex - losing my virginity at 21 and having a few long-term relationships all throughout my life
MOTHERHOOD: I have an amazing relationship with my stepdaughter. It’s one thing I feel certain I’m doing right because I can see my influence on her emotional maturity and resilience. And, as far as I know, she feels like she can come to me with real problems and trust me with her truth.
ENTREPRENEURSHIP: I went after the ultimate dream and quit law to start a calligraphy business… and then grew that business to a million dollars in revenue within 5 years.
JUST BEING GOOD AT STUFF:
ATHLETICS: I got onto the high school basketball team without really trying (I just liked basketball and had good hand-eye coordination)
SPEAKING: Won first place in speech and debate tournaments, and eventually became president of the club in high school
I’m an excellent, intuitive cook. I dance so well that perfect strangers come up to me to compliment me. I have a great design eye and my house looks adorable. I read quickly and learn fast and eat pretty much what I want to and can still almost do the splits at age 42. I’m really good at karaoke.
The price of perfect
If you hate me a little bit by now, I don’t blame you, except this was also what was going on all the while, fueling that perfectionist engine:
CHILDHOOD: A childhood scheduled down to the minute, with tutors and extracurricular activities every day after school, on the weekends and on every single school break
(Including 12 years of forced classical piano training and 5 years of Tae Kwon Do, which is probably what earned me my musicality and body coordination)
BURNOUT: A full-on emotional breakdown while in college, where I just couldn’t take the pressure of academic performance anymore and crawled under my desk to hide until a friend found me hours later and dragged me to a counselor. I ended up taking a whole semester off to sit in my parents’ house, binge-watching Center Stage every night while obsessively sewing Barbie clothes. (I remember this being a really happy time - and also a story for another post)
DISORDERED EATING: that started in my teenage years, and escalated to periodic bingeing and purging from the age of 16 - 32
Never ever feeling quite myself, for as long as I can remember
Making my laughter small and cute, when my mom told me my naturally huge guffaw was too loud for a girl.
SEX: Having a kinky side to me that was impossible to ignore because it affected the way I got turned on and enjoyed sex.. but that I felt like I couldn’t actually embrace until I was nearly 35.
CHEATING: For most of my life, I’ve taken tiny shortcuts here and there, and always felt like that was an acceptable way to maintain perfection. Small things like looking over at the next desk when I wasn’t sure of a test answer, or lying about what cards I have in a board game, or taking a little too much “inspiration” from a fellow business owner’s website copy. (I’ve worked hard on not doing this anymore, but I still feel the impulse and have more compassion for myself about where it’s coming from.)
ANXIETY: Just… anxiety. When I was being perfect, when I wasn’t being perfect. When I was making a million dollars a year, and when I was making $20K dollars. When I weighed 105 lbs and now when I weigh 130 lbs.
BAD SLEEP: When I’m in a particularly anxious or uncertain time, probably every third night I spend 2am - 5am wide awake until I climb out of bed exhausted at 7:41am.
SELFISHNESS & CONTROL: A kind of hard selfishness borne of my supposed exceptionalism. I don’t like asking for help. I feel best when I feel special, a little above it all. My default is to project an air of confidence, being completely put together and self-sufficient, of not needing anything. When really, I need reassurance and kindness so badly it hurts.
If perfectionism doesn’t work… can we finally let it go?
I heard a great quote the other day:
Never wish for someone else’s life… you never know what sacrifices they made to get there.
I learned perfectionism as a little girl because I thought it would save me. And it did bring me safety in some areas (financial, career & overall confidence)… but it almost killed me in others (body image, self regard, mental health).
So if my whole life up to age 35 is one big piece of evidence that perfectionism doesn’t bring us fulfillment, peace or contentment… how can we finally let it go?
That’s what I’d like to explore here. More to come soon. If you’ve got thoughts, share them below =)
With Curiosity,
Shinah