2 - MY ANTI-PERFECTIONIST LIFE (My Story Now)
In 2013, I decided to quit law.
It was my first, giant, terrifying step towards a non-perfectionist life. Because the perfectionist one was slowly killing me.
And now, almost 10+ years later, I'm finally landing in a gentler place.
Here's how that looks in my actual life.
The $10K Calligraphy Job that I didn't cancel my vacation for
On Friday, April 19, I got paid for a HUGE calligraphy job for a lavish luxury brand event. I would have to start creating a TON of calligraphy the following week.
Where was I the following week? Up in Mammoth skiing with friends, completely unavailable during the day, Monday through Wednesday.
The old perfectionist me definitely wanted to cancel the trip - how could I possibly do an amazing job for this client if I was gone half the week?
The new less-perfectionist me went on the trip anyway and communicated to my clients when I would be unavailable. I brought all my calligraphy supplies up with me to Mammoth and worked for a couple hours every night at the cabin.
And when I got back home on Wednesday night after a six-hour drive, exhausted from my first time skiing in over a decade...I started working on calligraphy place cards.
I worked right through the weekend. Thursday through Monday bent over my desk 8 hours a day, creating hundreds of place cards, menu designs and large table signs.
The old familiar stress...
As the event got closer, everything got more urgent.
Every few hours, there were new requests from the clients, changes to the menus, Uber drivers coming to pick-up finished pieces...
I was working with a high-end Event Production Company that had been hired to plan this whole shindig and I could hear the stress in their voices as they juggled the 20,000+ pieces that go into something like this.
All the while, I worked my ass off to get everything done. It started to feel very familiar - like all the high-pressure corporate deals I worked on as a lawyer.
"Alright, I'm part of this team now and we wanna do a great job so I better pull my weight..."
"I want everyone to think that I'm the BEST, so I gotta triple-check everything and think proactively about what might be missing..."
"I better not fuck things up, or they'll be disappointed in me..."
Except I was also thinking:
In the kitchen of a mansion, working on place cards and snacking on trail mix
I know my worth, so I'm strictly enforcing boundaries: 150% rush charges, getting all my invoices paid in advance, not answering any calls or emails after 5pm.
I know that my job ends once this event is over. I'm pushing at a crazy pace for a few days, and then I get to rest as much as I want to.
I do not NEED the approval of this client. Even if, for some reason, this Event Company decides not to hire me again... I'm totally ok with that because I know I can support myself with other streams of income.
On the day of the event, I went on-site to the straight-up MANSION where the huge dinner was happening. I was down in the servants kitchen area, finishing up last-minute placecards. And I felt a huge rush of GRATITUDE.
The stress of corporate perfection felt so familiar... but because I was in such a different place in my life, it also felt completely different. Like a blessed BONUS, instead of a mandatory BURDEN.
The power of choice
And the crazy thing is, I had just as much power of choice as a 27-year-old junior attorney as I do now as a 42-year-old calligraphy business owner.
At 27, I had over $150K in law school student debt. At 42, I have a mortgage multiple times that amount.
At 27, I was a single, child-free renter - I could have moved anywhere. Now, I live in my own home with my husband, stepdaughter and two dogs.
At 27, I had family and friends that would absolutely support me if I ran out of money... and I still have that now.
It just didn't FEEL like I had much choice when I was 27 because I thought the perfectionist path was the only way to be safe. I had no idea how much softness and opportunity there was outside of that rigid path.
I lived a perfectionist poster-child life up 'til the age of 30 - and while it kept me safe, it didn't make me feel contented or fulfilled. So that's some kind of evidence that perfectionism isn't the answer to life.
But how about the other side? Once I stepped off the perfectionist path and did things like:
Live with a roommate in my 30s
Made less than $20K//yr for my first couple years as a professional calligrapher
Fell in love with a divorced man 10 years older than me who ISN'T a doctor, lawyer or VP of Finance and who also has a daughter from his previous marriage...
... some pretty amazing new paths started to open up for me. I can't list all of them here ('cause that would be a long and tedious post).
But, I can tell you that, since 2022:
I've taken a full 9 months off from work to lay in bed, play with art supplies, binge-watch TV shows & plan my wedding
I typically spend 3 days a week doing actual work for my business and take a LOT of mid-week trips to places like Palm Springs, Mexico and Burning Man
I've shrunk my business down to a size I can comfortably manage, with 2 part-time employees, 3 big launches a year, and room in between to try out new ideas and have fun marketing on Instagram and to my email list in novel ways that keep me engaged
I go line-dancing twice a week with my husband and it's joyful every single time. We recently stayed out drinking and dancing and karaoke-ing with friends until 2am. We host huge parties all summer so we can fully enjoy the pool we built in our backyard.
I realized recently that I'm basically living a semi-retired life. At age 42, when I'm young and healthy and have the energy to enjoy all of it.
And if I had stayed on that perfectionist path that I thought I wanted back then... my life would be so different now.
The complication of money
Now, the question in a lot of your minds is probably: "But did your perfectionism BUY YOU the amazing life you have now?"
I struggle with that question a lot.
I'm incredibly, incredibly privileged.
I worked my ass off for the first 30 years of my life so I could have a degree from Harvard, and pass the California Bar Exam, and earn credentials that I can always fall back on to make a living.
The reason I'm sitting in my house right now with the party-perfect backyard is because I was really good at following a business path that led me to millions of dollars in revenue during the pandemic.
But I also know that all the money in the world CANNOT buy you peace of mind - because last year, I had the exact same amount of money and my business was bringing in the same revenue as it is now... and I worried CONSTANTLY that my business would fail and I would lose my house and never be able to take care of myself.
And when I was making millions of dollars, I worried constantly that it would all stop working, that I wouldn't be able to pay the tens of thousands of dollars in monthly business expenses, and that I'd end up homeless.
The key to my current okay-ness is that I'm making just enough money... and, more importantly, that I've regained faith in MY ABILITY to make things work.
If my calligraphy business stops making money, I can figure out why or pivot into something else
If I can't pay the mortgage anymore, we'll get a roommate or rent out this house and move into a smaller place
If I have to simplify and live with less, I'll learn how to be just as grateful and joyful for all of it
Perfectionism FOR SURE bought me a lot of my success.
But at a certain point, it was bringing me more misery than safety. And at that point, you have to ask yourself whether it's still serving you.
You have to start letting go of perfectionism...
... in order to prove to yourself that you don't need it. There's no other way.
I hope that this week gave you a glimpse at what might be POSSIBLE when you start living less perfectionist and more brave 'n messy.
Next week, I'm going to share some steps for how you can actually start letting go of perfectionism.
Thanks for being here. If you have thoughts or questions, just HIT REPLY and I promise I'll respond - it might take a minute and it might be messy, but it'll happen =)
With Curiosity,
Shinah