3 - LETTING GO OF PERFECTIONISM
Understanding where our perfectionism comes from
We can never overcome our perfectionism until we look this little girl squarely in the eye and tell her:
“Oh my darling, no wonder you drank this idea of perfect into your body and bones.
What a perfectly reasonable and marvelous thing to choose to do.
You did NOTHING WRONG. I’m so grateful to you for figuring that out. I’m so proud of you for getting us here.”
Perfectionism isn’t our fault. In so many ways, it’s exactly how we were encouraged to be.
BUT… it is within our power to change. It has to be.
Otherwise, we’re fucked.
How to let go of perfectionism
Here are the steps I’ve figured out:
STEP 1: UN-SHAME
Get real cozy with the little girl inside who insists on things being perfect. Get to know the quality and texture of her voice. Give her a name or a face or a shape or a color.
STEP 2: FIND A LIGHTHOUSE
Understand the New Thing you want in your life. Not just to be a “good girl”, praised by others and showered with trophies. But to do scary, audacious things and fall down and feel the hurt and be exhilarated and stumble forward toward what truly lights you up. This is the lighthouse you’re headed towards - it’ll keep you motivated.
STEP 3: TINY ACTIONS
Remind yourself, over and over, that the way towards the New Thing is imperfect, tiny, unheralded action - zigzagging forward in a way that may look foolish on the outside.
STEP 4: REWARD
Start to recognize the part of you that lights up when you do take that imperfect action. The inner reward that starts out as a whisper, buried beneath layers of shame… but as you shovel away those layers with determination, that inner reward awakens FEELINGS and DESIRES in you more powerful than any damn trophy.
Repeat for your entire life.
This post itself is an example of the steps above.
Before I drew that comic and wrote those words, I had been thinking through how I would start “this new thing” that I’m building right now.
What would my signature offer be?
How would I design a marketing funnel and product suite to maximize sales?
What podcasts and stages could I get on to amplify my message?
All very perfectionistic thoughts, zooming ahead into a future, hinged on monetary success… that led me to doing exactly NOTHING.
Until I remembered to:
UNSHAME: Recognize and feel deep compassion for the little girl inside grasping onto the shield of perfection
LIGHTHOUSE: Visualize the future I wanted to work towards (being paid to share my ideas and speak on stages and write books and inspire thousands of other women to live a life more true to their inner desires)
ACTION: Take tiny, stupid actions: First, I got a hankering to draw a comic. So I drew it, then shared it on my personal Instagram page. Then, shared it on my 100K+ follower “calligraphy” Instagram account. Then, decided to share it on this blog. Next, I’ll probably send it out as a weekly email. Hell, I might even turn it into a podcast episode. It’s all redundant and messy and nothing has come of it yet and I’M SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DOING ALL OF IT!
REWARD: I let that glowing pride feeling really sink in. I feel grateful for every minute I get to sit in front of this computer and figure all of this out.
This is just Part 1 of what I’m sure will turn out to be 538,201 posts on perfectionism. But it’s a damn good start.
With Curiosity,
Shinah