6 - YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
When the voice in your head isn’t nice
Picture the voice inside your head that you spend the most time with, that feels the most familiar and accessible.
The voice you start to hear when you’re just getting out of bed, pushing the covers away, and reaching over for your phone on the nightstand.
Is it a nice voice?
…Mine isn’t.
Mine is an anxious, worn-down-with-worry, patience-thin taskmaster. Even before I’m fully conscious, the “worry voice” starts to wake up (usually at 4 in the morning) and stumble around and around inside my head, picking up all the bits of and bobs of concern it can find.
It’s not mean, necessarily. It used to be much more cutting -
“ANOTHER donut, fatty? Shame on you.”
“Oh I see you’re skipping your morning run, YET AGAIN. Good luck finding anyone who will love you when you’re so chubby.”
“Jesus, are you still feeling down on yourself? You are so lucky, you know that? Snap out of it - you’ve got shit to do. Why can’t you figure yourself out already?”
Yeah, my 20s were fucking awesome.
These days, in my 40s, the critical voice is more subtle.
It disguises itself as a SUPER CONCERNED helper.
“Aren’t you overlooking something? Don’t drop the ball, people are relying on you.”
“Geez, you’re unimportant. You’ve been so lazy for so long, how are you ever going to matter if you just keep doing fuck-all day after day?”
“That new strategy’s never going to work. Your business is doomed. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO???”
Oh, it’s trying to be so helpful, it’s trying to keep me on the right path, passenger-side driving me into frustrated numbness.
If you’re here… this probably feels all too familiar.
.
.
But, could you imagine? If the voice that dominated your inner world… was a loving best friend instead?
Instant tears in my eyes as I think about that possibility.
If, whenever you were alone, it was like being with a friend who saw all of you and loved you and wanted nothing but the best for you and who would only ever cheer you on and offer you actually helpful constructive advice when asked… A friend who was truly delighted to be in your company, who lit up with a grin whenever they saw you coming near.
Can you imagine having that with you all the time?
Changing that inner voice would change everything else
Your circumstances could stay exactly the same. Your boss with his unreasonable demands and quick temper, your bills that pile up on the mail table at the end of each month, your long and exhausting commute, your family drama, your hot water heater that needs to be replaced…all of it. It could all stay exactly the same, and if you had that constant supportive best friend with you always, it would all be exactly different.
It’s a lovely thought that feels like fantasy, isn’t it? For me it is.
I have a hard time picturing myself inside my own head without immediately hearing that critical voice.
But I can picture my actual best friend, Andrew. My soul-friend of 25 years who died of cancer before he turned 40. I was with him when he died and 90% of the time, I forget that his spirit just went right from his body to an eternal presence by my side. He followed me as I left his apartment before the coroners could arrive; followed me right home and has been with me ever since.
If I can start to picture him with me, nestled inside my body right alongside my oldest and harshest critical voice… I bet he’d drown out that voice eventually. Or, more likely, win over that voice with his eternal charm and boyish grin.
The thing is, this is entirely possible
Neuroplasticity is a real thing. Our brains are absolutely capable of re-wiring and forming new habitual pathways. But, the old ones are worn deep and comfortably smooth and it’s hard to get out of them. It takes intention and practice (and maybe a little hypno-therapy).
So I’m going to think about ways that I can start remembering Andrew more. Remembering that he’s always right there, his unending love always accessible.
It’s the best way I can think of to become my own best friend.
With Curiosity & Hope,
Shinah