5 - SUCCESS ADDICTION
I’ve been receiving public praise for as long as I can remember.
Marching across the stage as a six-year-old to collect my shiny “Straight A’s” trophy
My history teacher reading my essay on the Battle of Lexington out loud, in front of all the other 16-yr-olds in my competitive AP class
Random Korean parents stopping my mom in the middle of the grocery store to congratulate her on my SAT scores…
How did they know my SAT scores, you ask? Oh, it was printed in the Korean-American community newspaper for the greater Los Angeles area, along with a photo of my awkward, grimace-y face.
Because every single time I received public praise, I felt a flush of embarrassment… and then a glow of pride that I had been deemed good and worthy. That my mom could talk about me with her head held high.
I mean, geez… No wonder I so desperately want someone to tell me I’m doing a good job. No, a great job. The best job!
What my need for praise looks like now
These days, the praise from teachers, the academic awards, the invitations to dinner with only the most hard-working law firm associates… it’s all been replaced with Instagram likes and email subscriber numbers and course sales revenue.
Accolades of a different sort, but all translated by my brain into:
“Good, you still deserve to be here. Now, don’t fuck it up.”
I say I long for happiness…but I’m still addicted to success.
I can’t doodle without thinking about whether this experimentation will eventually lead to finding my genius art style that I’ll eventually be recognized and revered for
I can’t play with watercolors without fantasizing about making a great living as a surface designer.
I can’t write without wanting to show it off and rake in the glowing comments and likes.
It feels impossible to do something messy and imperfect and stumbling JUST FOR ME… without subconsciously thinking about the end goal.
Even line dancing, for chrissakes. I started doing it for the sheer joy of moving my body and feeling the rhythm and learning a new skill. But then, the praise started creeping back in. Strangers coming up to me at clubs to tell me how good a dancer I am, asking me if I have professional jazz training, telling me I should compete. And I HAVE thought about competing… WHY? For another trophy? For validation from the teachers and choreographers? To show off?
So… what’s the solution? How do you get un-addicted to success?
1) MOST IMPORTANT STEP: Realize the addiction’s there.
As much as you can, start to introduce a sacred pause. When you feel the desire to do something, and it feels familiar and compulsive… pause before you actually do it to ask WHY you want to do it.
“I feel like creating a calligraphy video for Instagram.” —> Pause. Why? For the joy of creativity? Or for the likes? What if it gets really low engagement - will I feel disappointed at the whole endeavor, or will I still feel good about putting it out there?
“Yeah, I’ll organize the PTA bake sale.” —> Pause. Why? Because you love baking and look forward to making a difference in your child’s school environment? Or because you desperately need to be seen as the “good parent who’s involved and has it all together, and is definitely not fucking up their children”?
“Sure, I’ll take on that extra work project.” —> Pause. Why? Because you genuinely want to help your employer and become better at your job? Or because you want the pat on the back?
Note: This is different from wanting the RESULTS of taking on that extra work project. If it moves you closer to a promotion, for example, with real financial and other benefits, then that’s not necessarily success addiction. But if you ALSO need the praise and admiration, on top of the tangible results… then that IS success addiction.
Example: When I was working my ass off in a law firm, I got a bonus one year of $20K. Now, that’s pretty awesome except I had no idea that was coming. I worked my ass off, stayed late, double-checked everything… not because I truly believed in the good work of issuing bonds to make money for hedge fund companies (eyeroll). Not because I truly valued the work of law and wanted to get better at it and do it well. Not even because of the paycheck. NO… I did all that extra work because I wanted my bosses to tell me I was “doing a great job”, that I was a “successful junior associate”, that I was a young lawyer they praised and sent on recruiting lunches and put on important committees. I needed to preserve the identity of success.
2) SECOND STEP: Un-shame the addiction.
It’s selfish and hard and ego-driven and it comes from a deep fear of not being accepted otherwise. Of not being loved and worthy and deserving of existence. You probably learned it as a child (like me). Everyone loves praise - hell, my dogs go nuts for it. It’s not your fault. But it is something you’re responsible for changing, if you decide it’s something you want to change.
3) THIRD STEP: Do the terribly uncomfortable and confronting work of loving the “unsuccessful” version of you.
You can’t truly overcome your Success Addiction until you can love & accept the version of you who does fail, who loses everything because of stupid decisions, who is rejected by all their loved ones, and ends up filthy and pushing a cart through a freeway underpass. Can you embrace that version of you and deem them equally worthy of love and admiration and life than the Ivy League, home-owning, vacation-taking, Target-shopping version of you?
No?
Yeah, I can’t either. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. But if that version of me isn’t worthy of love… then that means I don’t truly believe the saying, “You do not have to work for your worth. You do not have to earn your existence. Everyone is inherently lovable.”
Honestly, I don’t know if I can get there without actually losing it all myself. Or without actually going amongst the “have-nots” and rejected ones in our society and really getting to know them personally. You know how the Buddhist monks and Mother Theresas do? And that’s not something I’ve done yet in my life.
For now, I’m just trying to move closer and closer to loving all versions of myself. The selfish, angry, lazy, greedy, self-righteous parts…. And the success-addicted part of me, too.
With Curiosity,
Shinah